So when you live in a country of 3.1 billion people, and a city of an estimated 9 to 11 million (depending on who you ask), there are bound to be some repercussions to such a large number of people and only a limited amount of resources (not to mention space to fit everyone!). We got to experience that up close and personal this morning when we helped host an Easter egg hunt for a group of our Chinese friends. A good friend of mine here (who also happens to be a Texas A&M grad--whoop!), Natalie, had the idea of hosting a hunt for our local friends and then having a picnic lunch afterward. She did a ton of work in prep, and had her mom, who has just come in town from the US for a visit, bring over lots of Easter goodies. So between the two of us, we showed up at the courtyard outside of her apartment complex this morning at 9:30 with probably 150 eggs with candy and 4 dozen or so hard-boiled, decorated eggs. Natalie also had prepared party favor-type bags, with "hot commodity" items of which she only had a limited number (things like extra-large plastic eggs that each had one big bag of candy in them or a toy, large bubble wands, small containers of playd0h, etc.). I didn't ever do a head count, because the number of people present seemed to be continually changing based on how many neighbors passing by decided to stop in and join our party, but at any moment there were between 15 and 25 kids involved.
The plan was to have one of our national friends first go through the story of Easter with the Res Eggs that are so popular in the US, then have the kids hunt for eggs themselves, conclude with a pizza lunch and then send everyone home with a bag of party favors to kind of even the playing field as far as the loot that each kid would return home with. Good plan--or so we thought! After we waited for everyone we were expecting to come to actually arrive (which was closer to 10:30 rather than our scheduled 9:30 start time, which is not a-typical in a culture where time is definitely NOT valued like it is in our western one), it started very quickly to feel like we were being swarmed with both parents and kids buzzing around to see what goodies were available to be snatched up. Before we knew it, the party favor bags were being sifted through and stuff being taken out, bubbles blowing in the wind as kids would carelessly grab one, spill the bubble solution, and reach for another without any thought of how few there were or any mention from the parents that maybe this was not the best option. In the US, I've often heard of Asians as being pushy or selfish, for example pushing ahead of you to get on the elevator or invading personal space while waiting in line. I have to be honest, and say that yes, this is one of my bigger challenges of patience in adapting in this new culture; but I also see how deeply this is ingrained in literally pretty much every person I seem to meet here! If you don't push to get on the elevator, you're not ever going to get on. If you aren't up on top of the person in front of you in line, someone else is going to cut in. And the person cutting in line is not rude or selfish, rather they are seen as shrewd and wise for taking advantage of the opportunity to do so. We truly are fish who cannot describe the water in which we swim. There is not a Chinese person I know who can identify this reality--it is just a part of who you are as a result of living in place with such an incredible amount of people with such a few amount of resources available!
At one point, the friend I had invited noticed her son had taken his second bubble wand out of the box that Natalie was helplessly trying to guard, and she asked me if it was okay that he was taking another. Not really knowing what to say, and not wanting her to be embarrassed, I told her that my friend had intended that each child take one bag home with them at the end of the party, stating that she only had a limited number of the items in the bag and emphasizing that we wanted each child to get one. I'm pretty sure that the problem was not a language one, but the mother's response left me standing speechless. She looked at me and smiled awkwardly, saying, "My son wants to have two." My thought: "Of course he does! But who is the parent here? And what about all the other kids that would like to have one?!" Instead of speaking these thoughts aloud, I looked at her with my eyebrows raised and just smiled weakly. There was absolutely nothing mean or challenging in the way she responded, but Kevin later described it (I think accurately) as more of a kind of helpless plea for understanding. Her child wanted two of the bubble wands. Who was she to tell him "no"? And thus the main parenting problem we observe here--commonly referred to as "the little emperor syndrome", where the child is the ruler of the home. He calls the shots. What he wants, goes. If he wants candy for dinner, he gets candy for dinner. If he wants to be held until he goes to sleep, he is held until he goes to sleep, regardless of what sacrifice that means on the parents' (or more often, the grandparents who are raising the child most of the hours of the day) part. it's amazing to me, and exhausting, as I watch with such sadness how the children get away with murder while the parent stands by--either looking helpless and beaten or angry and unpredictable in how they are responding to their child's inappropriate behavior.
So in the case of my friend, we're still analyzing exactly what was going on as far as why she wouldn't just say, "oops! Didn't realize there were so few bubble sticks!" and return the one her son had taken. But we do know that "saving face" here is the name of the game, and when you're embarrassed, you definitely don't want to acknowledge and wrongdoing (by yourself, or in this case, your child), but instead kind of try to just avoid the topic or situation. In looking back on it, I'm not sure if I should have handled it differently, maybe not pointing out that her son was really only supposed to have one bubble wand? The side of me that longs for justice wants to scream, "Boundaries! Have them! Enforce them--for everyone's sake!" But in the long run, is a bubble wand worth potentially hindering a relationship or an opportunity to extend love and grace to another? I wish I had the answer! But I do have a feeling that I need to have a plan, as I have NO DOUBT that such situations will arise again--probably in the near future, as there are so many kids and parents that seem to interact the same way; and we plan to continue to have interaction with our Chinese friends and their children!
So on a different note, Kevin and I had the joy of another date night tonight! We had 3 jr. high and high school girls come over to watch our 4 and took off with 2 other couples for dinner. We ate at the Pizza Hut here that is close by; a first for me since our move here over a year and a half ago. What I found so funny was the rigidity in ordering. Kevin wanted to order a sausage pizza, but that was not an option on the menu. There was, however, a sausage and shrimp pizza--which he was not excited about. So he asked the waitress if he could just have the sausage and shrimp pizza with no shrimp. Her response--no can do! If he wanted to take the shrimp off he would have to pay a significant amount more money--in spite of the fact that he was choosing to NOT have the more expensive topping! Crazy! So then our friends we were eating with told us of one time recently (also at Pizza Hut) that they tried to order plain cheese pizza. Again, the waitresses response--no can do! They apparently didn't have cheese pizza as an option! Hmm....a pizza place without pizza or cheese to put on top....not sure exactly how that one works... :) Thankfully, we were all able to laugh about it (rather than be frustrated by the rigid thinking--and ordering), and we enjoyed our Hawaiian pizza instead!
On our way to the taxi after dinner, we saw another couple obviously on a date. They were riding bikes side-by-side, and holding hands in the process! Wished I'd had my camera to capture the moment!
