Before we moved to China, we were told during one of our training seminars that it takes 15 years or longer to begin to "break in" to a new culture. After this last week, I'm beginning to think that we are on the "or longer" track! Although we've lived here in Tianjin for almost a year and a half, I'm am still absolutely amazed at how much we have to learn about the cultural differences between China and our western thinking.
Last weekend Kevin's friend Leif came over to our house (which is a normal weekly occurrence). During dinner, he casually made the comment that one of his co-workers had a friend (whom he had never met personally) who had asked if each time Leif came over to our house, he could bring this friend of his co-worker's with him so that she could practice her English. Kevin and I immediately started chuckling together in unison, then quickly realized with shock that Leif was NOT laughing with us! We exchanged surprised glances then began back-pedaling as fast a we could--asking what he thought about this request. He shared that he understood and didn't think it at all strange--in spite of the fact that he was a regular guest and dear friend of our family and he had yet to meet this other friend of a friend! Thus the Chinese emphasis on relationships (their word is guanxi); a concept that truly lies at the core of this culture and what they value most. This prompted a long discussion on how the concept of guanxi works, and how a person can ever fulfill the obligations that come with these closely tied relationships. In China, you don't make friends quickly or without much consideration, as once you are "in" someone's inner circle, you are committed to do pretty much anything for them that they may ask (such as borrowing money, doing all sorts of inconvenient favors, etc.). While Kevin and I have been aware of the significance of guanxi, the thing that surprised us the most is how wide these circles can reach. The fact that a friend of a co-worker would make such a request, based on a mutual friendship, was truly shocking for us both (and scary at the same time, with Kevin and I both wondering how many friends of friends might call us up wanting a trip back to the States, etc.!!!). So we have lots to learn. We still haven't figured out exactly how all of this works, but are just beginning to see the complexity of the matter....
After the guanxi conversation, as I was clearing dishes, Leif and Kevin were looking at the recent addition of new photos to our refrigerator. Leif told us that he, too, had put photos on his fridge, but that our family's picture was "right here"--indicating the upper right hand corner of the fridge. Kevin and I, once again exchanging surprised glances, questioned the significance of where our family's photo was located. Leif explained (after much prompting), that the upper right hand corner was the most valuable position for the photo to be! Kevin, quickly scrambling to re-arrange our photos so that the ones with Leif were also in the upper right hand corner, explained to Leif that we had not previously had such a hierarchy of photo arrangement, and that we were thankful he had enlightened us! But it has left us wondering--are we going to be scrambling to re-arrange the photos now every time we have our friends over whose pictures also happen to be on our fridge?
The other two things we learned about culturally that night from Leif had to do with Chinese traditions. One is that his mom told him he was not allowed to get his hair cut during the 15 day celebration of Chinese New Year. The consequence of doing so: his uncle would die! The second (after seeing Karis' gaping hole in the front of her mouth and discussing the tooth fairy of the US), was what Chinese people do when they loose their baby teeth. If it is one of your top teeth, you throw it outside on the ground, thus ensuring that your top teeth will grow down out of your gums properly. Likewise, if it is a bottom tooth, you throw it up on the roof, ensuring proper growth up from your gum line!
So for whatever reason, after our short time away in China, the cultural differences seem to be rolling in more heavily than normal, and leaving us feeling slightly frustrated and irritated more than we usually are. (I must admit to feeling downright angry when I was in the elevator and the lady next to me hocked the biggest lugi I've seen right at my feet. It took all I had within me not to drop a , "Come on! Could you really not wait 30 seconds until we got outside to do that?!" But hey, this is China, not the US, and the cultural norms are just NOT the same. And I'm the one living in THEIR home country, so I know it's my job to humble my heart, bite my tongue when necessary, and recognize that different is not always bad (except maybe for the spitting thing; I can't see that I'll ever really see that as "good"!)
So my goal: the next time I go to E Mart to buy diapers and wait in line for one hour (well, maybe more like 55 minutes) while having the other people in line literally looking all through my basket to see what the foreigner is buying; the next time I ride my bike to school and play chicken on the way with all the taxi drivers who think the bike lane is better used as a passing lane for them; the next time I see a little kid with crotchless pants peeing in public at a store entryway, I can remember why I am here and how much I have developed a love for these people who have so graciously and patiently welcomed me into their world which is so different from mine!
In the meantime, I praise Him for bits and pieces of familiarity. For our Valentine celebration of decorating sugar cookies with friends (as shown in the pic) and of beautiful snow falling (and even warmer temps these last few days--all the way up to 50!).
The other pics are taken the last day of the Chinese New Year celebration after the lantern festival. On that night we had firecrackers and fireworks going off literally non-stop from about 3 pm until after Kevin and I went to bed at 11 pm. The thing I didn't take into consideration as we listened to the war going on outside of our windows--the clean up the next day that was required (and handled incredibly efficiently, I must say, with huge crews of men and women all over with large brooms)! So I suppose at this point we're down to about 13 1/2 years until we really start to get it.... But who's counting?! :)
