Talk about enculturation! We are getting it in full doses these days... From holidays to shocking interactions within our neighborhood, we are getting a crash course in how to survive (I think) in this new area. Here's an overview of the last 3 weeks....
Kurban
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| Look closely in the tree... |
This is the Muslim holiday that comes 70 days after Ramadan (I think I have those details right--but don't quote me). It's history comes from the Koran's account of Abraham offering his son Ishmael (different from the Biblical account where Abraham offers Isaac) on the altar, but God intervening and providing a ram as a sacrifice instead. I've heard lots of different perspectives on WHY the Muslim community around us takes this holiday so seriously--everything from the sacrifice actually providing a physical bridge to God in the afterlife, ensuring that every family wants to be diligent to "complete their bridge" by not neglecting the sacrifice) to the judgment that one faces without the sacrifice being offered--but it was obvious to any passerby that there was no shortage of sacrifice going on during that day! Our community is made up of a minority people group who sort of claim this holiday as their own special one, even more so than Ramadan in which most of the Muslim minority people groups participate. So the day before the official holiday, we ventured out to what was supposed to be the main animal market in town. We were slightly disappointed to find out that the markets were not being allowed within the city limits on a large scale (like they have been in previous years), so we would have had to travel a significant distance outside of town to see the masses all crowding in to make their purchases for the sacrifice the following day. We've heard it's quite a sight to behold--people transporting the poor animals in every mode of transportation you can imagine--being shoved into trunks, carried along by groups of people working together, strapped over motorcycles. Always a spectacle to behold! But while we didn't get the full scope of the craziness, we did get a peek at a smaller market where men were coming to make their selection. I had so many questions that never got answered! How do they choose their sacrifice? Does it matter what its outward appearance is like? Where do they keep the live animal overnight until they kill it the next day?
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| the table prepared for guests |
While I had many unanswered questions, I did feel like it was an amazing learning experience. Just watching people try to lead the large sheep away was totally comical. Let me tell ya--sheep are NOT made to be on a leash! They just don't go forward. The more you pull, the more they resist. Most people seemed to know this in advance and were prepared by coming in pairs to get the animal and move it in the right direction--one would pull the rope around the neck and the other would be pushing or hitting it from behind with a stick. My favorite was watching the kids, who honestly seemed to be better adept at getting a forward motion from the animal than most of the grown-ups! I'm including several pictures of some of the folks we saw working to get their walking sacrifice back home.
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| donkeys are busses share the road here |
The actual day of the celebration was hard. Each (extended) family is supposed to make a sacrifice, so you can imagine how many animals that is! Throughout our courtyard there were rams being killed (they cut their throats), strung up in the trees, and dressed. The ritual requires that 1/3 of the meat be eaten, 1/3 shared with guests (as the holiday continues for days during which time you are supposed to make the rounds, visiting family and close friends), and the final 1/3 given to the poor (or the mosque, if you don't personally know anyone who qualifies). The whole neighborhood smelled of slaughtered lambs. Funny that I know what that smell is; I sure didn't 6 months ago! And not only that, but I happened to get on a bus the second day of the holiday (when everyone was still eating the animals that had been sacrificed) and the whole thing reeked of lamb. And not the kind well-seasoned with Lawry's! As challenging as it was to see and smell those things for those several days, I was so thankful that the kids handled it as well as they did. The boys, of course, were totally fascinated and loved every part of the vivid imagery around us. Karis, on the other hand, was not so intrigued, and yet stomached the killing of animals better than I imagined. She even ate some lamb's meat when she was with an American friend who went to visit neighbors during the festival week and came home to report that as long as she didn't think about where the meat had come from, she really enjoyed eating it!
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| A smaller market to make the purchase for the sacrifice |
The picture of the coffee table set with crystal and treats is common during both Ramadan and this Kurban festival. People are to be ready for guests at all times, so you keep you table set and prepared with all kinds of sweets so you're ready to entertain when guests come calling. The table has a specific name, but honestly I can't think of it right now! You can tell how far my language study has gone at this point... :(
Our Neighbors
During the Kurban festival and another national holiday directly proceeding it, the kids in our community had a full two weeks off of school. So we had neighborhood kids coming out of the woodwork that we'd never met before! As I tried to ask and figure out where they'd all been during the summer, the main story I got was that they had been out in the smaller surrounding cities where their extended families lived, which is why they were new to us. So a group of upper elementary and middle school kids (pretty much all boys, as the girls, as I understand it, are usually inside helping mom with household responsibilities) decided they wanted to befriend my kids. Well, they had them at "Pepsi"! They quickly determined that my kids thought playing a game of soccer with the losing team buying the winning team a can or two of Pepsi to split was about the coolest idea ever. So this became a daily normal around our house. The neighborhood kids, led by the ringleader Bob who was eager to practice his English, would show up at our door and ask about the boys coming out to play soccer. The first several times either Kevin or I would go to make sure that this group of kids were trustworthy, but after a week or so we were giving the kids more freedom to go into the courtyard without us being there.
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| Day one gift--two puppies |
Pretty soon the neighborhood boys figured out that my 3 American boys also have an American sister who LOVES animals. So what did they show up with? Puppies. Two of them that were gifts! Noah and Hud came, each with a puppy in arms, that had been gifted to them by their new friends! We quickly had them return the puppies, assuring them of their friendship in spite of not being able to receive a few dogs as a symbol of our relationship to them! But these boys figured out how to lure out Karis to join in their play. Animals! The first day it was the two puppies. The second day it was 5 puppies and 2 hamsters. The third day it was 3 baby bunnies and 2 puppies (all crammed into one small rabbit cage together--so there actually might have been more critters inside that I couldn't see through all the furballs that were visible!). The visiting zoo continued throughout the week, and our kids were THRILLED to have so many fun critters to play with, along with new friends (who kept showing up with Pepsi).
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| Day two--five puppies |
This next part might freak out some readers--so feel free to skip ahead to the next section if the idea of sexual indecency really bothers you--or if you're a grandparent! :) I debated whether or not to include this, but in the hopes of giving a fuller picture of what it looks like to live cross-culturally and try to navigate those murky waters, I'm going ahead and sharing... In much of Asia, there are really different views on what is appropriate as far as what is considered appropriate in the area of sexual acts. I won't go into detail, but the end result is that you have a LOT of "sexual issues" that affect kids. Sexual abuse is rampant, and I know from my days of working with juvenile delinquents back in Texas that the percentage of kids who are abused who then end up sexually abusing others (even kids) is through the roof. So while I don't want to say that I'm paranoid about the issue, I am extremely aware of the risks involved in my kids engaging with other kids who most likely have been exposed to different things than my kids have--things that most of us Americans would call inappropriate or even abusive. So one day during the last few weeks while the boys were outside playing with their new friends (mind you, most of whom are somewhat older males), I had a knot form in my stomach and a feeling that I needed to be more aware of any sort of sexual indecency that could be going on. I stopped what I was doing in the kitchen and went to the window where I could see all the boys playing. I spent the next 20 minutes just observing, and didn't see anything that looked suspicious, but continued to lift up my requests in my heart as I wrestled with if I was just being paranoid. That evening at the dinner table as we debriefed their time outside playing with the neighbors, one of the boys offered up that one of their new friends was doing something "very inappropriate." When I asked what, my heart just about stopped at the response of : "He tried to tickle my private parts." I will quickly add here that this story ends with as innocuous an ending as possible, and actually had quite a few positive benefits. It turns out that the neighbor boys were trying to play a game of tag in which they were making tickling motions toward private part areas rather than actually tagging the person. None of this was done in hiding, no clothes were removed, nothing else happened, but it was certainly enough to freak this mama out! So we had a really candid conversation at the table about how that kind of thing should be handled and then I informed the boys that I would need to talk directly to their new friends. Within about 2 minutes, there was a knock at the door and Bob, along with a crew of maybe 6 other boys, were there asking for our boys to come out and continue the game of soccer. You'd better believe my heart was racing as I searched for the words to clearly and firmly explain that the game they'd tried to play was NOT okay within our culture and within our family (no, the word "penis" is not in my Chinese vocabulary, so there was quite a bit of awkward gesturing and me asking, "Do you understand?"). The boys were only slightly embarrassed (compared to my kids who were literally hiding behind the sofa in embarrassment at their mom's direct confrontation of the situation!), which affirmed what I suspected. Private parts are not viewed the same across cultures! As much as we think it's a given that this type of game in any place would be completely inappropriate--it's just not! In spite of this difference, the boys understood, the message was translated into the different languages so everyone present knew the American's stance and the fact that my boys couldn't play any longer if there was anything like this that happened again, and we were back in good relationship once again! Crazy as it sounds, I felt so good about how the boys responded and my kids' understanding of what to do in such a scenario again, I was okay continuing to let them play outside with their new friends.
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| New friends |
Uproar Outside
So the delight of the last two weeks all came crashing to a halt this weekend. I was gone and Kevin had 2 other American dads over keeping watch on all the kids. Our 4 and 3 others were outside playing with their new friends when a whole group of kids that ours kind of knew showed up "armed." They had sticks, rocks, and thick plastic pipes in hand, surrounded our kids, and weren't letting them leave. We're not sure what instigated this--whether it was solely their idea of play (which it honestly could have been; the kids around here play SOOOO rough together that it's not entirely out of the ordinary to see them beating on one another with sticks in play rather than anger) or if they were trying to harm our kids and their new friends, but it turned into a total mess. The older kids were able to escape the ring of kids who had surrounded them, but the two six year olds (Noah and one other friend) were held in headlocks. One of the kids ran upstairs to enlist the help of the dads, one of whom came running (Kevin and the other dad were still in the house with the few remaining kids that were inside). Kevin's friend came upon the group of kids who were bullying our kids (this is after Eli took one punch to the face, which he is quite proud of!), and they then scattered. Rather than let the culprits get off that easy, our friend grabbed one of the kids by the collar of his shirt and gave he and the other boys a verbal lashing. The boys took it well we thought, until shortly after when the boy who had been grabbed showed up at our front door with his mother red-hot angry that her son had been "strangled" by the adult foreigner. She and her son, along with a herd of neighborhood kids, forced their way into our apartment where Kevin, his two friends, and 9 kids were all at the time. Talk about a cultural lesson. What ensued could be described as nothing short of total mayhem. Mom's solution was that she should get to choke one of our kids since the same had happened to her son (according to his story). Knowing that they "eye for an eye" principle holds true in this culture, our friend tried offering himself as the one to be "strangled" in turn for his supposed offense, but this didn't cut it. Their solution was financial. If we would give them the equivalent of about $100, then restitution would be made. Finally, the guys decided to give in and make the payment, thinking this would end the drama. It didn't. At this point, Grandma also showed up, and before they knew it, she was rolling around on our living room floor feigning a faint at the duress that had been caused by us "strangling" her grandson. Kevin says the wailing noises made by the two women was unlike anything he'd ever heard before. It was obvious they were trying to get more money--this time to pay for Grandma's medical bills that were sure to come in light of our actions. And all the while, our kids are hiding in the back bedrooms because Mom is still trying to break through and choke them in revenge! After almost an hour, Kevin told the ladies and kids that he was leaving to go get the apartment police to let them intervene and determine if our financial restitution was enough to be fair. This got their attention, so by the time Kevin returned from finding the police officers, the women and kids had cleared out.
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| First day of Sept snow! |
The effects of this drama have been pretty significant. Hudson couldn't fall asleep that night, saying he kept envisioning the kids running and the dad who chased them, along with Mom and Grandma ranting and raving in our apartment for almost an hour. Karis doesn't want to go outside and play with our new friends now, and we're not letting the kids go outside unaccompanied for the time being. I'm just not sure if Mom and Grandma are going to show up attempting to get even by trying to choke one of the kids again! So I'm selfishly grieving the fact that I can't send the kids out to get some energy out without me being present. And the weather is actually bearable right now! Our temps have just dropped today into the 30s and 40s (other than the one day of snow we had two weeks ago), so I'd love to be taking advantage of our final days of fall to play outside! Also, everyone in these communities are connected. So besides Mom and Grandma, I have no idea who else we may have offended by this whole fiasco. It could be a whole slew of neighbors in our community who are outraged, and we have no idea! I've been trying to visit with those who I do know better, attempting to feel out if there seems to be any funniness relationally. But I'll be honest. I feel so clueless at understanding so much of what is going on around me. Will I ever know and understand this culture?!
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| Kids trying to sled--a bit prematurely! |
To End On A Positive Note...
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| Trapper in the running shower! |
At least we have Trapper! I am not a cat person, but this little guy has proved to truly be part of our family. Maybe this is normal for a cat, but the way he plays with the kids absolutely astounds me. They come up with these games--like keep away or tag--and he figures out what the objective is and rolls with it. For like an hour at a time! He has been such a great playmate for everyone of the kids that I'm just overwhelmed with thanksgiving for His provision for our family in this way. The latest game the boys spent an hour playing with him was one in which they built a barricade in their doorway with different objects in their room. Then Trapper was supposed to try to get through the barricade and into the room where he would "tag" (swat with an unclawed fist) one of the boys, then run off. They were hooting and hollering for an hour as Trapper repeated this game, wriggling through or over the barricade and taking turns tagging different boys before scampering away to play again. It was priceless. And he's clean. His favorite thing is to get in the shower when someone else is. That's right--not like on the edge, but actually IN the running water of the shower! He loves it, diving right in and getting fully wet before exiting the bathtub/shower to dry himself off on the mat. And they say cats don't like water! We're thinking maybe he doesn't know he's a cat...
