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| Painting the boys bedroom walls |
I think it's probably a bit overused--the metaphor that our lives are a tapestry. We can only see what's on the backside most of the time, the knots and loops that are caused as a beautiful picture is being woven to appear on the opposite side. The point is obvious--that what we see is so limited because our perspective is such that we oftentimes can't see the work of art that is being produced by the knots and tangles that can seem like chaos, even mistakes or errors on the part of the one doing the weaving. But if I'm honest, I can really relate to that metaphor right now! Kevin has just returned from a weekend in our old city, and it's caused me to reflect on the multiple changes we're still going through, as well as where we've been these past 5, no, make that 15, years! Kevin and I are both much more on the "thinking" end than we are on the "feeling" side when it comes to how we look at life, make decisions, etc. So when I contemplate where we are and what we are doing, I still have to sit back and shake my head in wonder at times. Where we've been makes sense. Kevin is an amazing athlete, and so he played pro baseball. We wanted to check out living overseas, so we went to the Philippines for a semester. I love teaching high school students, so I taught English the past two years. Kevin loves tackling goals and seeing projects come to fruition, so he thrived in his Dallas commercial real estate job. He is a gifted communicator, and so teaching history and even deeper things is something that others have pursued him to do in front of groups. I've got 4 kids in China (an anomaly!) and have learned a lot from my mistakes, so I've led parenting studies on child-rearing philosophies. All of these things make sense to me; I can
see how each of them fits so well with who we are and how we are wired.
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| Noah with his best buddy at baseball |
But somehow, living beyond the expanse of the Gobi Dessert in what sometimes feels like the middle of nowhere has me not
seeing it as clearly. What are we doing? How is this going to work? Are we
really okay? Do I want to stop to ask that question?!
Well I did stop to ask, and I'm glad I did. I can't honestly say that I'm seeing the big picture at this point. I don't know what in the world the "work of art" looks like on the other side; but I do know that Heb 11:1 was speaking to my heart in a big way this morning. The "...evidence of things not seen" is so real to me these days. There is so much that I not only can't see, but that I also don't understand. And yet I find great peace in knowing that I don't have to. I know where I'm supposed to be. I know who I'm supposed to be here with (and have never been so thankful for such an amazing husband and kids!). And I know that there is a plan even when I'm not seeing.
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| Our "throne" seats on our date night |
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| Noah's 6th bday celebration with the family |
It's normal for us to feel like foreigners around here. But this week pushed me when I had a woman in our home as a helper (someone who helps with cooking and cleaning) two different mornings. This time she was the foreigner because she was in my domain, and I was shocked at what it showed me was within my heart! It was so hard to let go of my space, my preferences, my time.... The precious woman came dressed in what I'm sure are her finest clothes, as is culturally appropriate. She literally had on a long evening gown, complete with rhinestones and lace. And this was to clean my floors and cook a meal! I was certainly glad when she asked to borrow an apron for the cooking (and even more thankful that I happened to have one, in spite of the fact that I never wear it!). She doesn't speak a word of Chinese, so communication when Kevin wasn't around was next to impossible. We did quite a game of charades to figure things out. The first morning she arrived about 45 minutes late. And then she didn't have the vegetables she needed, so the kids and I had to run out in the rain to get the tomatoes. She was convinced I needed to learn more of her language, so she kept rattling off long sentences in her native tongue and waiting for my feeble attempts to repeat them back to her. She cooks on the stove as any Chinese person does--with lots of oil in a big wok, which means lots of grease splatters and lots of smoke, so our smoke detector went off for about 5 minutes before I could get it to stop blaring. The kids didn't eat the meal she'd prepared, so they waited until after she left (which was after 1pm) to have lunch. This evidently really upset her, as she had 2 people inform me before her second day on the job (she was worried that we would wait to eat the second meal again and then the food wouldn't be good any more). She was in the kitchen so long, she didn't have time to do any of the floors or dusting that I was really hoping to have completed, so my house looked the same when she left as it did when she arrived, with the addition of grease being splattered along the wall by the stove. I'll be honest, when she left, I cried. I was so hopeful that being introduced to this sweet woman would help alleviate some of the home stress that I've felt since arriving here. I hoped it would be a new relationship in which to invest. Instead I felt disappointed, awkward from having someone in my home all morning, and discouraged that I was mimicking words that had no meaning at all to me as far as communicating anything of significance.
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| Kevin and Karis in our courtyard |
And then the clouds parted and I got a little more perspective. The woman working in my home is not just about me, it's an opportunity to serve her. I know that this journey we are on is a long one; it's not a sprint to the finish line, but learning a new language and culture is HARD and takes years before one "arrives." Having someone in my home is only one step in the process of enculturation. I saw also how much I was holding to my home as my own personal space, creating it to be what I want rather than holding it loosely with an open palm. I saw my fear at trying to learn another new language and culture that seems so foreign even from what we've already been studying. So I'm not giving up yet. I'm remembering that the tapestry is still very much in process. I may be seeing knots and pattern fragments at this point, but I'm trusting, based on such an amazing track record of His faithfulness, that something beautiful could come out of all of this. Maybe not even to be seen in my lifetime, but a work of art nonetheless! And what a privilege to
see, not with my own eyes, but with the ones He gives. Oh, that grace might abound that I can do so even more, even when all things foreign enter my home!
